Boyfriend Tryouts: Dudes likely to actually become my new boyfriend

So after today's loss to the Reds, I wrote a very angry blog post, and then took it back down about two minutes after I posted it because it's not fair to blame Eric Wedge for the loss because he thought bunting might be a good idea when it's really the fault of one of the best lineups in baseball suddenly all deciding to bring their ass-bats to the game. I know C.C. is a good hitter as far as A.L. pitchers go, but your pitcher should not have the highest hitting WPA for a game, y'all.

Anyway, to distract myself from the horror that was today's game, I'm going to finish up the introductions for Boyfriend Tryouts.

But first! Some housekeeping. Starting pitcher Jeremy Sowers got himself sent back down to Triple-A Buffalo, gracefully bowing out of the boyfriend competition. I understand you don't want to be showing anyone else up with your cute little knees, Jeremy, but you don't have to be shy and self-depricating like that. Feel free to be awesome and get called back up again. I'll just take you out of the running in your absence.

To shore up the bullpen, Matt Miller got activated from the disabled list and took Sowers's spot on the 25-man roster. Matt Miller will also not be a part of Boyfriend Tryouts. This is because he is the boyfriend of my friend Sarah, and it would be weird if we both had the same boyfriend.


But instead of talking about dudes who are not being considered for boyfriendom, let's talk about dudes who are.

Tom Mastny barely made this list, because, given my experience with Fernando Cabrera, I think we know I'm a bit skittish about having a relief pitcher as a boyfriend. But Mastny's pretty good, although he's been a bit off as of late (due, he claims, to overthrowing). Mastny's family is actually from a couple suburbs over from where my dad lives outside Indianapolis, so that's pretty exciting. I guess. Also, as I'm sure you've been told a bajillion times, he was born in Indonesia, while his parents were traveling the world. I have no idea. He's got a bit of an aw shucks quality to him, and successfully saved a bunch of games last year after we traded Bob Wickman, and for that alone, I'm rather fond of Mastny.


Now that I have dealt with classifying all those pesky relievers (except Rafael Perez, who got called up in the middle of this exercise and about whom I know nothing except, kiddo, we already have a Raffy on this team, but I like you anyway.), let me talk about catchers.

First, let's talk about back-up catcher Kelly Shoppach. My introduction to Kelly, whom we acquired before 2006 in the Coco Crisp trade, was on the Indians online magazine, Game Face where he was interviewed by beat writer Anthony Castrovince, and declared the best thing about the big leagues the food. Yes, Kelly is kind of a fatty (note: you will see that I find "fat" kind of endearing in professional athletes), although less so this year than he was last year. It seems many an Indian was instructed to lay off cheeseburgers over the off-season, and, surprise surprise, a bunch of dudes lost some weight. But this isn't about me lecturing you about cheese being gross, this is about me telling you about how totally awesome Kelly Shoppach is.

Shoppach also has a canon for an arm, and would probably be a starting catcher on... oh, pretty much most teams that don't have Victor Martinez starting for them.

Oh, Victor Martinez. Let me tell you all about how I feel about Vic. First of all, every time I go to a game, I dance a little in my seat to his entrance music. I was introduced to Vic by being told about his superstitious handshakes. Everybody has a different handshake, and every body has to shake hands with him before the game. My theory in 2005 was "everyone is a little bit in love with Victor Martinez" and I'm pretty sure I'm still standing by this theory, because he makes me smile like an idiot. If only he had the name recognition of a Jorge Posada or a Pudge Rodriguez, my efforts to get him on everyone's All-Star ballot might be more effective.

Victor used to have a bit of a 'fro going, but he wasn't hitting very well, so he apparently got his mother to cut his hair off. He used to be a shortstop and was very upset when the Indians converted him to a catcher. He is basically made of amazing. I mean, even if you account for the fact that I'm pretty crazy about catchers because I think catcher's gear is kind of hot. (Yeah, I don't know, kneepads do it for me or something.)

Sometimes Victor is less amazing. He doesn't throw dudes out particularly well, and he has been nicknamed "The Slowest Catcher Ever" over at Let's Go Tribe. But, as should be true of a boyfriend, the Victor's faults are more endearing than annoying to me.


The thing about Jhonny Peralta is that apparently his deeply sucktastic 2006 was due to the fact that he was near-sighted and not wearing his contacts because they were uncomfortable for him. I'm not sure why he never wore rec specs unless Jhonny is even more vain than Charlie Sheen in Major League, which is always a possibility. The entire story seems almost fabricated, much like the story about Peralta's growth spurt between the 2005 and 2006 seasons. It's like the kid sprang fully formed from the heads of a bunch of people who were like "Man, those Latin baseball players sure are wacky, aren't they?" Also, he spells his name funny and is really big and awkward for a shortstop. These things make me clutch my hands to my chest and sigh a little. I'm not entirely clear why, but they do.

And while we're on the subject of dudes who are partly on this list because they're real characters, let's talk a little bit about Travis Hafner. He's funny-lookin', sure. He could be your boyfriend because he's just plain good at hitting a baseball, sure. But I think my favorite thing about Travis Hafner is that he is a funny, funny guy. He gives some of my favorite print interviews ever. There's this dry, absurdist, Steven Wright-esque quality to the things he says. None of the other guys on the Indians give that good of quote, really, but Pronk, oh man, Pronk. Then there's the fact that Jerry "The King" Lawler was invited to his wedding. Pronk seems to realize he's a public figure and plays around with the idea of persona, and I find the whole thing so endearing and wonderful and I am running out of positive adjectives, but let me just say, Travis Hafner is already doing pretty well in the boyfriend standings. This is because he also has intriguingly large thighs. Um.


SO TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THAT. Let's talk about Fausto Carmona. He's a bright-eyed rookie. He has an amazing 'fro. (I am a big proponent of the baseball player 'fro. Mostly 'cause they look kind of goofy once you put on a baseball cap.) It's not hard to remember those days of Fausto the failed closer from 2006, which makes me appreciate this Fausto that much more (Although there was never any question that Carmona is a very good pitcher, thank you, ESPN). Plus, I mean, damn. His name's Fausto. Tell me that's not a sweet name. There's a bit of an argument going over whether we ought to call him Dr. Faust or El Diablo. I'm cool with either, really, although I really prefer Your New President. He also just makes me smile back when he smiles because damn does he look so happy when he does. I love young ball players.


I think I've mentioned before my pros-and-cons lists I made when I first decided to do this project. Here is what I wrote down next to Grady Sizemore.

Pros
1. Perfectly perfect in every way.

Cons
1. Spoken for. By about half the women in Cleveland.
1a. And probably some of the dudes, too.

I mean, really. I could try to be funny here, but it would ultimately just fail.

I don't know. Shut up and look at the pretty picture.




This leaves us with but two dudes left to discuss. Two dudes who are roommates. Yes, this leaves us with Josh Barfield and Ryan Garko. Sure, Barfield has funny lookin' eyebrows and could barely hit in April, but as we yell at LGT after every other play the kid makes, he's gonna be a legend in Cleveland given maybe another year or two of that kind of play. Plus, he also has a nice smile, and I am all for nice smiles.

Garko, on the other hand, is further evidence of my fatty love. I seriously don't mean this in a bad way, guys. I am also a fatty, and I have no athletic ability either. Dudes with big asses and thighs just make me smile. I don't know. Maybe I'm some kind of creepy fetishist or something. Or maybe I just like looking at dudes that don't make me feel fatter than I already feel. I don't know.

My point here is that, oh, Garko, you make me smile so hard. I'm not sure why. I think it's that he's kind of terminally goofy. First of all because he's goofy-lookin', and second of all, 'cause he's kind of goofy in attitude. Also, I enjoy when he goes on All Bets Are Off and gets into arguments with Bruce Drennan.


Plus, his habit of getting hit by pitch actually kind of makes me laugh. One of these days it's going to get him in trouble, but until then, I will enjoy watching Garko reap its rewards.