The end of an era

The Indians are 2½ games up on the Tigers in the AL Central, you say?

Pfft. I'm going to talk about Fernando Cabrera ending up in the Orioles system instead. (After not pitching for... about a month?) Or, not really talk about, because what else is there to say? It's the end of an era, and I hope he gets a chance to work with Leo Mazzone eventually, as that's seemed to work out well for other Indians-castoff, Jeremy Guthrie. I'm not sure how two guys named Cabrera who can't find the strike zone is going to work out for the O's, but it should at least be an interesting experiment.

Part of the reason I failed at actually continuing the Boyfriend Standings (aside from the other part where making the tables was tedious, time-consuming, and not worth the effort given my strain to explain the changes to the scoreboard) was that a part of me just hadn't accepted "breaking up with" Ferd. It was weird, trying to declare one play my new "baseball boyfriend," when i'd never really, in my heart, given up on the first one.

In a way, Ferd going to another system is good for me. a clean break so I can eventually move one with my life and develop another irrational fondness for an overrated reliever in spite of my better judgment. But, man, I'm gonna miss that kid.

So... today pretty much sucked.

Mark Shapiro's tone changed dramatically from Friday on Sports Time Ohio to Tuesday on Baseball Tonight. During his appearance on STO, during Kenny Lofton's first game this year with the Indians, Shapiro spoke so frankly of the need for bullpen help and his ability to get that bullpen help, we at Let's Go Tribe assumed the trade was all but done. On Baseball Tonight, Shapiro was subdued, and talked up Rafael Perez, Big Raffy, and JoBo to the point LGT had to accept that a trade probably wasn't going to happen. Shapiro spending the trade deadline making an ESPN appearance was probably a big clue there, too.

To mend my heart, I went to a pretty amazingly awful Fort Wayne Wizards game, and I was all set to come home and upload pictures and tell you all about it, but, uh. My laptop won't turn on.

And I finally get on the internet on the desktop, only to find out Fernando Cabrera's been designated for assignment.

I know I said Ferd wasn't my boyfriend anymore, but, um.

I lied.

So I think I'm going to put off that entry on the Wizards, and go lie on the couch and mourn Ferd¹ and Lappy 3.0.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to go back to Fort Wayne to see Cory Luebke's debut. And I'm excited about it. And you can't stop me.

¹ Yeah, he could go unclaimed and end up in Buffalo which is what I'm hoping for. But I'm not getting my hopes up.

I'm... hesitant.

Today, my mother and I decided we needed to go shopping, because she's been wanting a dress, and I've been wanting new shoes and sunglasses. So, somehow I wound up in Indiana eating French fries during a shopping break instead of catching some of the important parts of tonight's game against the White Sox.

I did manage to catch the almost-comeback, and that was certainly important. While I'm not as happy as I would have been if the comeback had actually been successful, being able to turn an 11-5 score into an 11-10 score in the bottom of the eighth is the sort of thing that makes me love this team.

That said, I missed the debut of Jensen Lewis, which makes me kind of disappointed, since we shall be forever entwined on the blogosphere. Or, well, in the blogosphere that exists, you know, in my mind.

Even more importantly, I might have missed the last Fernando Cabrera outing with Cleveland. This might be the tendency of we over at Let's Go Tribe to assume change is coming more quickly than it really is, but given Cabrera's continued inability to be effective in any way, he's basically a wasted roster spot on a team that could use a little bit more bullpen help. (As pointed out in tonight's game thread: with Fernando and Trot, it's much like Cleveland only really has a 23-man roster, sometimes.)

And, you know... I understand the need for Fernando to be moved, but he's out of options, which means he'd have to pass through waivers for us to send him down to Buffalo, and while he has a tendency to explode on a semi-regular basis, he also displays occasional flashes of brilliance, so I'm not sure there wouldn't be some team out there willing to give the kid a shot.

Which is really the problem.

I understand the need to get Fernando off the 25-man roster. If he still had options, I'd be the first person clamoring for him to be sent down to Buffalo. (Okay, probably not the first, because there's always someone out there clamoring for changes when they don't need to be made, but you know what I mean. And please ignore my proximity to both Indianapolis and Toledo, and therefore my secret desires for Fernando to get sent down to Triple-A so I could go see him play much more often. That's completely unrelated. Mostly.)

But the thing is that, even though I "broke up" with Fernando back in May, I'm not sure I've really cut ties with him emotionally. I mean, he's still the guy who used to be my baseball boyfriend. It's hard to get used to the idea of him leaving, and not leaving because he can get a better contract somewhere else, but... in a situation like this, where he might end up being part of a trade, or getting DFA'd and claimed off waivers, and...

My point here is that, look, Mr. Shapiro, if you're going to make a move here, make it fast, because I need to stop stressing and start getting over the worst baseball ex-boyfriend ever.

Boo. I need a soft pretzel and some low-A ball to drown my sorrows. So... you'll probably get more Wizards updates this week. The team's playing the Clinton Lumberkings (Texas Rangers affiliate), so if there's anyone you guys want me to check out, give me a heads up before tomorrow evening!

Boyfriend Standings: An Introduction

Hello, and welcome to The Boyfriend Standings. You might recall that I once had a baseball boyfriend, and his name is Fernando Cabrera. However, due to a regularly disappointing level of play, during a game I threatened Ferd with a break up. He failed to come through. I considered this a sign, put my foot down, and declared Ferd no longer my boyfriend.

But that means I need a new boyfriend.

You may have noticed my Boyfriend Tryouts, in which I carefully considered which other Indian might be the best new boyfriend for me. This whole thing was a lead-up into this... The Boyfriend Standings.

The Boyfriend Standings are a numerical measure of my subjective feelings about dudes as the season goes by. Eventually, the guy at the top will become my new Indians Boyfriend.

Here are some possible questions you might have about the Boyfriend Standings, and my answers to them.

I still don't get this "Boyfriend" thing. Please explain it to me?

Twins blogger Batgirl summed up boyfriends thus:

A "boyfriend" is that special Twins player that makes your heart go pitter pat. It has nothing to do with physical attraction; straight men can have Twins boyfriends as can gay women as can neutered Batkitties! Everyone can have a Twins boyfriend!

Look into your heart. Isn't there a player that just makes your cheeks flush a little bit? Someone about whom you'll brook no criticism? Someone whose bobblehead you have, and a jersey, too, and maybe even a lock of hair?

That, dear reader, is your boyfriend.

Please sub in the word "Indians" for "Twins" where appropriate.


How often will the Boyfriend Standings be updated?

Every Sunday at the least. If I'm regularly watching games, otherwise bored, and have updates to make, probably a few more times a week.


How do the Boyfriend Standings work?

A dude does something awesome. I award him some number of points that shall number no greater than 5. (And 5 is reserved for, like, rescuing small kittens out of trees and also ending world hunger.) This number of points is completely subjective. A dude I like more will get more points for the same thing some other dude gets for it because, you know, this is a judge of my fondness for a dude, not for, like, everybody's fondness for a dude.

I add up the points, and whoever has the most points is the current leader.


Can guys get negative points?

Yes. This happens in one of two ways. The first is that a dude does something that really sucks during a game, and I give him up to 5 negative points. This will not happen very often because I try to be positive about baseball, but sometimes I find myself down on a dude because he's not playing very well.

The other way is if a dude turns out to have done something I really and truly disapprove of in his off-the-field life, I will give him "negative all his points" and take him out of the standings. I don't anticipate this happening, but you never know when you're dealing with Real People, y'know?


Is there some reason you're doing this?

'Cause it's a good way to force myself to update my blog once in a while. Also it makes me laugh.

Boyfriend Tryouts: Dudes likely to actually become my new boyfriend

So after today's loss to the Reds, I wrote a very angry blog post, and then took it back down about two minutes after I posted it because it's not fair to blame Eric Wedge for the loss because he thought bunting might be a good idea when it's really the fault of one of the best lineups in baseball suddenly all deciding to bring their ass-bats to the game. I know C.C. is a good hitter as far as A.L. pitchers go, but your pitcher should not have the highest hitting WPA for a game, y'all.

Anyway, to distract myself from the horror that was today's game, I'm going to finish up the introductions for Boyfriend Tryouts.

But first! Some housekeeping. Starting pitcher Jeremy Sowers got himself sent back down to Triple-A Buffalo, gracefully bowing out of the boyfriend competition. I understand you don't want to be showing anyone else up with your cute little knees, Jeremy, but you don't have to be shy and self-depricating like that. Feel free to be awesome and get called back up again. I'll just take you out of the running in your absence.

To shore up the bullpen, Matt Miller got activated from the disabled list and took Sowers's spot on the 25-man roster. Matt Miller will also not be a part of Boyfriend Tryouts. This is because he is the boyfriend of my friend Sarah, and it would be weird if we both had the same boyfriend.


But instead of talking about dudes who are not being considered for boyfriendom, let's talk about dudes who are.

Tom Mastny barely made this list, because, given my experience with Fernando Cabrera, I think we know I'm a bit skittish about having a relief pitcher as a boyfriend. But Mastny's pretty good, although he's been a bit off as of late (due, he claims, to overthrowing). Mastny's family is actually from a couple suburbs over from where my dad lives outside Indianapolis, so that's pretty exciting. I guess. Also, as I'm sure you've been told a bajillion times, he was born in Indonesia, while his parents were traveling the world. I have no idea. He's got a bit of an aw shucks quality to him, and successfully saved a bunch of games last year after we traded Bob Wickman, and for that alone, I'm rather fond of Mastny.


Now that I have dealt with classifying all those pesky relievers (except Rafael Perez, who got called up in the middle of this exercise and about whom I know nothing except, kiddo, we already have a Raffy on this team, but I like you anyway.), let me talk about catchers.

First, let's talk about back-up catcher Kelly Shoppach. My introduction to Kelly, whom we acquired before 2006 in the Coco Crisp trade, was on the Indians online magazine, Game Face where he was interviewed by beat writer Anthony Castrovince, and declared the best thing about the big leagues the food. Yes, Kelly is kind of a fatty (note: you will see that I find "fat" kind of endearing in professional athletes), although less so this year than he was last year. It seems many an Indian was instructed to lay off cheeseburgers over the off-season, and, surprise surprise, a bunch of dudes lost some weight. But this isn't about me lecturing you about cheese being gross, this is about me telling you about how totally awesome Kelly Shoppach is.

Shoppach also has a canon for an arm, and would probably be a starting catcher on... oh, pretty much most teams that don't have Victor Martinez starting for them.

Oh, Victor Martinez. Let me tell you all about how I feel about Vic. First of all, every time I go to a game, I dance a little in my seat to his entrance music. I was introduced to Vic by being told about his superstitious handshakes. Everybody has a different handshake, and every body has to shake hands with him before the game. My theory in 2005 was "everyone is a little bit in love with Victor Martinez" and I'm pretty sure I'm still standing by this theory, because he makes me smile like an idiot. If only he had the name recognition of a Jorge Posada or a Pudge Rodriguez, my efforts to get him on everyone's All-Star ballot might be more effective.

Victor used to have a bit of a 'fro going, but he wasn't hitting very well, so he apparently got his mother to cut his hair off. He used to be a shortstop and was very upset when the Indians converted him to a catcher. He is basically made of amazing. I mean, even if you account for the fact that I'm pretty crazy about catchers because I think catcher's gear is kind of hot. (Yeah, I don't know, kneepads do it for me or something.)

Sometimes Victor is less amazing. He doesn't throw dudes out particularly well, and he has been nicknamed "The Slowest Catcher Ever" over at Let's Go Tribe. But, as should be true of a boyfriend, the Victor's faults are more endearing than annoying to me.


The thing about Jhonny Peralta is that apparently his deeply sucktastic 2006 was due to the fact that he was near-sighted and not wearing his contacts because they were uncomfortable for him. I'm not sure why he never wore rec specs unless Jhonny is even more vain than Charlie Sheen in Major League, which is always a possibility. The entire story seems almost fabricated, much like the story about Peralta's growth spurt between the 2005 and 2006 seasons. It's like the kid sprang fully formed from the heads of a bunch of people who were like "Man, those Latin baseball players sure are wacky, aren't they?" Also, he spells his name funny and is really big and awkward for a shortstop. These things make me clutch my hands to my chest and sigh a little. I'm not entirely clear why, but they do.

And while we're on the subject of dudes who are partly on this list because they're real characters, let's talk a little bit about Travis Hafner. He's funny-lookin', sure. He could be your boyfriend because he's just plain good at hitting a baseball, sure. But I think my favorite thing about Travis Hafner is that he is a funny, funny guy. He gives some of my favorite print interviews ever. There's this dry, absurdist, Steven Wright-esque quality to the things he says. None of the other guys on the Indians give that good of quote, really, but Pronk, oh man, Pronk. Then there's the fact that Jerry "The King" Lawler was invited to his wedding. Pronk seems to realize he's a public figure and plays around with the idea of persona, and I find the whole thing so endearing and wonderful and I am running out of positive adjectives, but let me just say, Travis Hafner is already doing pretty well in the boyfriend standings. This is because he also has intriguingly large thighs. Um.


SO TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THAT. Let's talk about Fausto Carmona. He's a bright-eyed rookie. He has an amazing 'fro. (I am a big proponent of the baseball player 'fro. Mostly 'cause they look kind of goofy once you put on a baseball cap.) It's not hard to remember those days of Fausto the failed closer from 2006, which makes me appreciate this Fausto that much more (Although there was never any question that Carmona is a very good pitcher, thank you, ESPN). Plus, I mean, damn. His name's Fausto. Tell me that's not a sweet name. There's a bit of an argument going over whether we ought to call him Dr. Faust or El Diablo. I'm cool with either, really, although I really prefer Your New President. He also just makes me smile back when he smiles because damn does he look so happy when he does. I love young ball players.


I think I've mentioned before my pros-and-cons lists I made when I first decided to do this project. Here is what I wrote down next to Grady Sizemore.

Pros
1. Perfectly perfect in every way.

Cons
1. Spoken for. By about half the women in Cleveland.
1a. And probably some of the dudes, too.

I mean, really. I could try to be funny here, but it would ultimately just fail.

I don't know. Shut up and look at the pretty picture.




This leaves us with but two dudes left to discuss. Two dudes who are roommates. Yes, this leaves us with Josh Barfield and Ryan Garko. Sure, Barfield has funny lookin' eyebrows and could barely hit in April, but as we yell at LGT after every other play the kid makes, he's gonna be a legend in Cleveland given maybe another year or two of that kind of play. Plus, he also has a nice smile, and I am all for nice smiles.

Garko, on the other hand, is further evidence of my fatty love. I seriously don't mean this in a bad way, guys. I am also a fatty, and I have no athletic ability either. Dudes with big asses and thighs just make me smile. I don't know. Maybe I'm some kind of creepy fetishist or something. Or maybe I just like looking at dudes that don't make me feel fatter than I already feel. I don't know.

My point here is that, oh, Garko, you make me smile so hard. I'm not sure why. I think it's that he's kind of terminally goofy. First of all because he's goofy-lookin', and second of all, 'cause he's kind of goofy in attitude. Also, I enjoy when he goes on All Bets Are Off and gets into arguments with Bruce Drennan.


Plus, his habit of getting hit by pitch actually kind of makes me laugh. One of these days it's going to get him in trouble, but until then, I will enjoy watching Garko reap its rewards.

Boyfriend Tryouts: The Distant Possibilities & Half-A-Chances

Before I get into discussing tonight's crop of possible baseball boyfriends, I think I should inform you that Boyfriend Reject Captain Pee-Pee Dance has been sent back down to the minor leagues, and Franklin Gutierrez has been called up. Gutierrez is also on the "Guys who are going to be bumped around from the majors and minors too much to be worth my while" list.

Farewell, Captain Pee-Pee Dance. You will... probably not be missed that much. And I'm certain we'll meet again.

Today, I would like to discuss the guys on the Indians roster who are not terribly likely to become my boyfriend, but aren't straight up out of question like the outright rejects of the last entry.

So, barely making the cut-off is David Dellucci. Dellucci is, unfortunately, kind of a bum. And, in spite of that time he helped finish Josh Barfield's fight for him, still doesn't quite feel like a member of the team.

However, I've been told by the Ladies... that he has a very nice butt, and although I am not often that interested in dudes' butts, I'll accept this as a possible pro. I also approve of any dude who has Serious Religious Discussions about his Batting Average with Nuns. Mostly because I think nuns are pretty all right. So, whatever, Dellucci. You gotta prove yourself to me, but I guess you have a chance.



Then, there's Rafael Betancourt. Originally, when I was planning this series of posts, I made a big list of Pros & Cons. I tried to come up with three pros and three cons for every single guy on the list, but Raffy had a very short list.

Cons:
1. The whole steroids thing.

Pros:
1. Good at baseball.
2. Has a robot arm.

Perhaps "robot arm" is a bit of an overstatement, but there's something about a dude who pitches with an arm with screws and metal plates and the like in it that I approve of. (Note: If I had begun following the Indians slightly earlier, Charlie Nagy would have been my boyfriend.) I also like calling him Señor Robot Arm.

That said, I've been mightily discouraged from the possibility of Raffy becoming my New Boyfriend by the fellows at Let's Go Tribe, primarily because being my boyfriend has been a curse in the past. So I'm a little focused on how Relievers As Boyfriends pretty much never works out, and also on the whole steroids thing.


In a similar story, there's Jason Michaels. Sure, J-Mike (or "Malibu" as he is sometimes known on the Indians blogosphere) has that whole "cop punchin'" thing, and I'm really hesitant to endorse somebody who cannot manage his anger; this is not because I'm particular opposed to cop-punchin' (If a dude's gotta punch someone, it may as well be someone with some training in self-defense, right?), but because a dude who decks a cop for no good reason is someone I don't trust to not punch other kinds of people.

Still, there's something endearing about at the dude. Maybe it's that he's got that whole "stupid frat boy" thing still going for him due to all that time hanging out, being beffies with Pat Burrell. Maybe it's just that he tends to make me smile. I don't know.

I have too many reservations about him to put him on the list of Serious Boyfriend Prospects, but I can't quite bring myself to put him in with the rejects, since I am slightly fond.

However, if J-Mike is your boyfriend, check out J-Mike.Com.


Mike Rouse doesn't really have anything not going for him. Utility infielders are actually kind of made for boyfriendom. They don't play all that much, and they're scrappy, and they're usually kind of small for ball-players, which makes them not very intimidating, and they seem like generally all right dudes.

I don't know a whole lot about Rouse except that we got him from the Athletics, which is also a good sign. I like the A's. They're often an attractive bunch. Um.

The down side of Rouse is that... I miss Joe Inglett.

That's pretty much it. Sorry, Rouse, you're not Super Joe. You've got a lot of ground to make up to win my affections.

Objective? No. But Boyfriends are a subjective thing.


Casey Blake has started growing on me. I've always been a little bit fond of him because he was friends with dudes on the team I liked, but I'm starting to appreciate Blake for what he is now.

The beard is certainly working for him. (Though I don't find it all that attractive, I'll go with the Mountain Man look if it's helping Blake hit.)

He's got all the charm of the utility player, with none of the "will he get sent down for another dude?" worries. Still, there's something about Blake that I just can't put my finger on that makes me hesitant to put him on the Serious Considerations list. He could be a good dark horse candidate, I suppose.


Jeremy Sowers seems like an okay dude. He's smart! He has that weird obsession with things from the 1980s that all kids our age seem to! He's got skinny little chicken legs. I tend to watch the games he starts and just sit there going "Oh, his little knees." So you'd think Sowers would be higher on this list.

Sadly, a part of being a baseball boyfriend is being either a big enough personality that I don't care that you are not particularly good at baseball, or being relatively good at at least some aspect of baseball. Jeremy is not having a very good year. I don't want to have a boyfriend that I'm eventually just going to get fed up with. Sorry, Sowers. You can always make it up to me by being awesome!



I actually have a lot of the starters on this list.

Cliff Lee is a Sleepy Kitten! This sort of "Oh, that's just the Sleepy Kitten being the Sleepy Kitten" personality thing is always good for a boyfriend. The downside is that Sleepy Kittens sometimes forget to cover first base because they get distracted by something shiny, or maybe have to go take naps.

Cute kid, though, Cliff.








C.C. Sabathia sort of looks like a bear, doesn't he? Like, those books you read as a little kid with the anthropomorphized bears in? He looks like one of those. He's Crooked Hat Bear or something.

One of my goals in life is "Give C.C. a hug," actually. He seems like he'd give good hugs. Sure he's a big, huge, bear-like scary dude. But he'd still probably be a good hugger.

The down side of C.C. is that he is almost assuredly leaving us after the 2008 season, and that's going to break my heart anyway. I don't think I could take him leaving if he were also my boyfriend.


Paul Byrd has started to grow on me a little bit this year. At first I found him a little annoying. Not just because of his poor performance last season, but also he seemed a little too religious for me. Maybe I've chilled out on the Judging The Religious thing, or maybe his personality's just started to come through, but I'm starting to like him all right.

I mean, any dude who challenged Bob Wickman to a fight is all right with me. (No, I never did like Wickman. I don't know why. He just always seemed like a jerk.)

Plus, he's got a pretty sweet nickname around the Indians blogosphere. I mean, seriously. The Cobra? That's an awesome nickname.


Still, I'd feel kind of lame if after being all down on Byrd last year I declared him my boyfriend this year. And he's sort of got the same thing going that Oldberto does: Byrd would, y'know... maybe make a better uncle than a boyfriend. (If The Cobra is your boyfriend, look into joining Paul's Byrdies.)

Can I just declare Byrd my Baseball Uncle right here and right now? 'Cause that'd be pretty cool.

Uncle Cobra. Yep.


Tomorrow night I will be battling traffic in the Cleveland area. I'm going to the Indians game, not Game 6, so it's not as exciting as it could be, but keep your eyes peeled. I've been trying to set up some mobile-to-blog stuff with Blogger, so you might get some live posts. If anything exciting happens, that is.

The rest of Boyfriend Tryouts will be posted after I'm done with finals, so you'll be waiting until sometime next week for those.

Unless I get all procrastinate-y.

Boyfriend Tryouts: The Rejects

So, after I broke up with Fernando last night (and then spent about two hours wondering if I could take it back), it occurred to me that I will need to get a new baseball boyfriend. In real life, sure, you take time off after a break-up. But in baseball, someone new will always catch your love and attention. That's the joy of sports.

Tonight, at Let's Go Tribe, I declared, with the other commenters as my witnesses, that I am looking for a new baseball boyfriend, and I invite all members of the Cleveland Indians to attempt to impress me with their mad skillz.

However, there are a few dudes, no matter their impressive feats over the next few weeks, will find themselves unable to fully get into my good graces in order to become my new boyfriend.

So here, for your perusal, The Rejected, and, where applicable, their reason for being rejected.


First, there's the Dudes Who Can't Help It.



Andy Marte is an okay guy! He could be a perfectly serviceable boyfriend, but, of course, ended up on the DL, and now is stuck in Buffalo for the foreseeable future. Dudes in Triple-A do not make good boyfriends unless the Triple-A team is your baseball team.

Edward Mujica is also a perfectly serviceable reliever. He regularly puts up wacky numbers of innings with no earned runs. I can't really argue with that. The downside? He keeps getting bounced back and forth between the big club and Triple-A. Sorry, kiddo!

And finally, Rafael Perez is up with the big club for now, but how long will that last?


But putting aside dudes who keep getting bounced back and forth between the majors and Triple-A, there are other guys who are just, no way, no how, ending up my baseball boyfriend.

For example, take Mike Koplove. He's a relief pitcher! He's kind of twitchy (although not really Twitchy McXanax levels)! He's kind of short for a RHP. That's appealing, right? Yeah, no. First of all, I don't trust him to stay with the big club all season, and avoid getting DFA'd. Secondly, I just broke up with a dude who can't find the strike zone. I don't need another boyfriend who lacks control over his pitches.

But really, the important thing? I just don't think I can call a dude who looks like he's doing the pee-pee dance every time he's on the mound my boyfriend. I just keep hearing:

Koplove: Are we there yet? I have to goooooo.
Me: Look, you should have gone before we left the bullpen.
Koplove: But I didn't have to go then.


Then, there's Aaron Fultz.

Aaron Fultz is a bum.

No, I have nothing funny to say here. He's a LOOGY who doesn't LOOGY properly. He comes in to face lefties and I expect walks. That's not a boyfriend. That's the guy who keeps asking you out and you keep ducking into the coffeeshop when you see him coming down the street in order to avoid passing him and having to say "Hey."



Roberto Hernandez is an all right guy, I guess, but dudes who are "veteran clubhouse presence" and are literally old enough to be my father do not make for good boyfriends.

I guess I could adopt him as, like, my baseball uncle or something. He seems like he'd be a pretty cool uncle. We could go out for coffee and talk about politics, and he'd... probably try to set me up with his countryman, Fernando Cabrera and BABY I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT...

Uh. I mean.


Getting on with the rejected boyfriend prospects, there's also Joe Borowski. At first, I hesitated to put him on the outright reject list. He's the closer! You can't reject the closer! The closer, as we all learned from Major League, is awesome and badass.

I'm rejecting the closer. Mostly because the dude has already taken about three years off my life with his wacky, scary save shenanigans. But he's also on the reject list because I don't trust him to stick around, and he's not endearing enough to make up for his lack of sticking-aroundness.

Sorry, JoBo!


And, finally, what is assuredly the most controversial of my automatic rejections: Trot Nixon.

It's not that I don't appreciate Trot's grit or leadership or... stick-to-it-iveness. It's just that... I dunno. I mean, maybe he'd be my boyfriend if I were a Boston Red Sox fan.

As a non-Red Sox fan, I just sort of feel like I'm intruding on the boyfriend of another.

Also, the dirty hat thing? Kind of gross, dude.

Dear John...

Dear Fernando,

Tonight I became very cross while watching your outing against the Red Sox. "If you can't find the strike zone, I am breaking up with you," I said, hoping I could threaten you into pitching well.

You proceeded to walk a bunch of dudes, eventually walking in a run.

So, look. I declared you my boyfriend back in 2005, and we had some good times. I still love you. But I think I have to break up with you.

It's not just your performance this year. It's your performance last year, too.

You've been breaking my heart for a while now, and I think this is the only possible thing I can do.

I know you're going to try to win me back, possibly with flowers and strikeouts, and I am in a very vulnerable place right now, and that sort of thing might possibly win me back, but you're really going to have to work at it in order to win back my affections. And you shouldn't expect anything.

Because I can't take this any longer.

Then again, maybe you'll get DFAed and then I wouldn't have had to take it much longer anyway, but let's not think about that, or about how much I will miss you if such a thing happens.

Because right now I am putting my foot down. And I am saying that there is no more "us," Fernando.

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from here.

Sincerely,
Your (ex-)girlfriend.

Dear Fernando Cabrera,

You can pitch. I know you can pitch. I have seen you pitch. You, I presume, also know you can pitch. So, here's my question: Why are you not pitching?

It looked like you were almost scared to throw anything anywhere near the strike zone when you came in. So you ended up walking a bunch of dudes. And, I mean, sure, you didn't give up any home runs this time, but you did end up walking the bases loaded in a third of an inning.

I want to Photoshop something funny of you, mocking your inability to find the goddamn strike zone, but I can't because... Look. I really like you, okay? I think you're kind of amazing when you're on. And I tell everyone how amazing you are and you go on a run like this that isn't even a slump, it's just embarrassing and horrible, and even then, I don't get upset when you're up in the bullpen. I say, "This time he's going to do it."

Look. I can't take this.

Please remember that you can pitch? Someday? Please?

Dear Fernando,

So, look, Mr. Cabrera. I really like you. I think you're crazy hot, and when you can remember how to pitch, you're pretty good, but we have to talk about this "giving up home runs every time you pitch," thing.

I'm not going to leave you, even though Ryan Garko makes me laugh every time he opens his mouth (this is mostly unintentional on his part), and Josh Barfield has truly hideous eyebrows and a nice smile (and you know how I feel about eyebrows), and Tom Mastny and Dr. Faust seem like pretty all right dudes. No, no. I am a dedicated fake girlfriend. I just... I think maybe you have a problem.

Is it because I say nice things about you and then you stress about living up to them? I can start making fun of you in public, if you'd like. I'm willing to keep our love a secret from here on if it will help you in your quest for actually making an out occasionally.

I can be pessimistic about your abilities if you think I'm jinxing you. I mean, you can't ever find the strike zone, and if a dude can lay off your slider, you'll probably walk him since you can't throw the thing for strikes, and you give up fly-ball outs at such an alarming pace, your tendency to give up home runs all willy-nilly doesn't really surprise me. Sure, you're a good-lookin' dude, but I think you might just be a pretty face.

... I hated typing that, Fernando! That was a terrible paragraph! Don't make me say those things about you ever again. Go... stop sucking.

Please?

For me?

Love,
Angela (your secret girlfriend)

PS. yeah, it's so secret that even you don't know you're my boyfriend. It's a special kind of boyfriend where we don't ever make out and I just watch you on TV and think you're awesome and sometimes write about you on my blog. Enjoy it while you got it, kiddo, 'cause if you keep making me look stupid in front of the blogosphere, I'm going to think you're trying to break up with me.


Thanks to my girl Ana for the Fernando Cabrera photograph. She = A+

He's aliiiiiive!

Tonight, over a week into the season, Indians manager Eric Wedge finally put some of our younger relievers into the game. Fernando Cabrera pitched in the seventh and eighth innings tonight against the Angels.

Here are a few things you need to know about Fernando Cabrera:

1. Sometimes, finding the strike zone is hard for him.
2. His slider is filthy.
3. He gives up a lot of fly-outs, which sometimes translates to giving up a lot of home runs.
4. No, seriously. His slider is filthy.
5. He was amazing in 2005.
6. He was the exact opposite of amazing in 2006.
7. In between those two extremes, he was the closer for Team Puerto Rico in the WBC last spring.
8. A scout once described him pitching as looking like "an octopus falling out of a tree."
9. Sometime in September of 2005, I declared him my boyfriend, and I am sticking to it.

He looked pretty good tonight, considering he hasn't pitched in a game situation since spring training.

Also, well, I'm not going to argue about having a guy who looks like that showing up on my TV screen.

Me and F-Cab, man. We're like crossed fingers.

Sure, the Indians lost 4-1, and the infield defense made the kind of mistakes that made me spend all last year watching Indians games through my fingers, but F-Cab figured out how to pitch again, and Jhonny looked a little like he can still hit, and Josh Barfield and Kelly Shoppach have won my devotion so far, so I think I can deal with this.

Just so long as it doesn't become a trend.